As I approach thirty, I’m finding that time seems to fly by, and that I believe I’m not nearly far enough along in life. On the one hand, I believe this way of thinking is beneficial, pushing me to get better and move forward in life. On the other hand, I often find myself feeling that I should have accomplished more by the age of thirty.
I know, it’s crazy. I’ve accomplished some pretty big things in my life already, like traveling, graduating from college, and getting married. My career though is still in the baby stages. Having decided to switch careers, this is not surprising. But it is frustrating.
Last week I stumbled upon the follower numbers for a few other blogs that have been up and running for less time than my own. They have triple, sometimes quadruple (if not more) the number of followers that I have. Now I’m not complaining. I enjoy these blogs and I’m overjoyed that they are seeing success. The feeling I was having was not jealousy; it was more a feeling that I wasn’t where I should be with this blog (wherever that is). Truthfully, I setup Little D Big Year for myself and have done barely, if any promoting of it. Still, seeing those numbers made me think that I need to be where they are, even if that logic doesn’t make sense.
I eventually turned my computer off, choosing instead to dive into some books I wanted to read, but I couldn’t focus. I kept coming back to this imaginary success that I feel should have achieved–success that I don’t even define as my own–and laying a load of guilt on myself for not yet reaching this idealized standard. This is a bit of a pattern for me, putting myself through hell because I believe I haven’t accomplished enough or seen enough or lived enough. But all this negative spiraling is exhausting and doesn’t get me anywhere.
So, as I have done before, I let myself off the hook for the day. I decided that I didn’t need to focus on where I was going or the meaning of success for a little while, and instead focus on where I am now.
I’ve really got to stop should-ing on myself.