Get your head out of the gutter! It’s not that kind of secret. This kind of secret has the side effects of possible embarrassment, laughter at me, and an overwhelming sense of shame on my part (again, not what you’re thinking!).
I’ve been having thoughts recently that I’d like to try something out (I forbid you from saying “that’s what she said” or adding “in bed” to the end. Geez. You should resolve to clean up your mind in 2012), but haven’t talked about it with anyone. If I chose to discuss this with too many people, I fear I’d receive more looks of “Really?” than I can handle, only made worse by copious amounts head shaking. It’s not something I’ve wanted to talk about until I could confirm with myself that I actually wanted this, that it wasn’t fleeting.
But last night presented an opportunity to reveal this thought process to a close friend and I took the risk, revealing my secret to her. Of course it wasn’t all dramatic, or weighted with the inner fear above, so there was no coddling on her part. Like the good friend she is though, she encouraged me to follow it and see what happens.
I believe we get what we put out there in the world. While that’s all well and good most of the time, some of the time it’s frightening. I try to go after what I want, but I struggle when I’m mucking through the in-between, when surety in my desires is not something I have a grasp on. I am learning though that I can go through that process with certain people.
And no. I’m not telling you what this secret desire is.