The growth I’ve experienced in the last decade has involved a lot of breaking down my past experiences in order to examine what makes up me. While for the most part that has been a positive growth cycle, it has also come with a few negative side effects, the most important and damaging has been a roller coaster ride with my confidence.
When my husband first met me nearly ten years ago, I was a bad ass. I was a saucy Italian who didn’t take shit from anyone. I was opinionated and wasn’t afraid to share my opinion. I was a daredevil and a feminist. I felt sexy and cool and was completely in touch with my inner bad ass. But as I began and expanded on this growth process of thinking and thinking and thinking about all the experiences I’ve gone through, I began to feel the ground shift and move under my feet. Over time, I lost the ability to boast myself up, to make myself feel better, with any sort of regularity. Occasionally I’d be able to do this on my own, but the ability always went away pretty quickly. Basically, I stopped being such a bad ass.
This all came to my attention yesterday morning in a conversation with my husband. As we talked, I realized that I had allowed him to pick me up and dust me off for years. As I thought about it more, I realized that I have allowed others who I am close to do this for me as well. I have allowed myself to lean on those individuals as my main source of confidence. Most importantly, I realized that I didn’t want that any longer. My inner bad ass stood up, drop kicked the grumpy whiner in the corner and said, “This is my house now.”
Getting to this realization has been in the making for a number of months. I think deep down I knew this was coming and I was preparing for it. What I wasn’t prepared for was how suddenly my bad ass would stand up and how quickly I would make the shift into being the source of my confidence. Writing this post over twenty-four hours after having this realization, I can honestly say I feel different. There has been a sense of strength underlying every moment of my last day and a half, to the point that even when a few stressful situations arose, followed by the natural worry that comes with stress, I felt planted in a way that I thought I had lost.
The risk here is trusting that I will be able to continue being my source of confidence. Over the years I’ve had flashes of this, but it has waned as quickly as it has risen. I do feel different this time, and although I recognize that I will face difficult times as my life progresses, I believe that this solidness I feel is going to stick around for awhile. And it feels damn good.
**On a second risk note, I must add in that my friend made me sing a karaoke song last night where I only knew the chorus. I had heard the song before, but couldn’t remember the tune or any of the main meat of the song. She forced me, pulling the “It’s my birthday” card, combined with the “It’s a risk” card and I couldn’t turn it down. Unfortunately no video of the interesting rendition, but I did include the original. Enjoy.