I don’t really want to get into the details of this anger, who it has been towards or why. That’s not really as important to me as the releasing of it.
In the past few years, I’ve held on to some anger surrounding past events, events that have helped shape me, but at the same time have caused me to develop habits and ways of thinking that are pretty toxic. I’ve held onto this anger for reasons, I’m sure, related to it validating my experiences and behavior surrounding those experiences, but the other day I realized that it was all pretty silly.
Thinking on this a little further, I saw that my anger is often a product of feeling misunderstood, or anger at myself for not acting a different way. Each of those types of situations get under my skin and fester. But regardless, I can’t change any of the events that took place. They happened, I reacted or was altered by them, and now I’m here. And in the here and now, none of it is really tangible; it’s pretty much all a load of stewing that my brain has been wading around in.
So I made the decision to stop being so angry. It’s risky because a part of me feels defined by some of that. And without it, where I am? I’m basically trusting that I’m not defined by these feelings and I can choose my own definition or no definition at all.
The other side of this whole risk is giving up the over thinking and processing that I’m so prone to do. I’m seeing that the extension of any situation is due to the pondering that comes later. Otherwise we have moments and then we have other moments. We are constantly moving on to the next thing. Therefore, past moments only continue to live if we let them.
And I’m making the decision to not let those negative, toxic viewings of my past live on. I’m choosing to change my mind. And risking that I will not be able to maintain that in the future.