Insecurity for me lately seems to be that weird acne that pops up one day, sticks around for about 24 hours, then disappears. You heal, the skin becomes smooth again, and then a few days or weeks later another sucker pops up in the same spot.
A few days ago was one of those days and for some odd reason it caused me to relive some difficulties that my husband and I have been through. I tried to get past it, attempting to distract myself with other things, but I just couldn’t get it out of my head. I don’t want to rehash old struggles, but I know from experience that I need to talk these sorts of things out, otherwise they build and mutate into beasts.
I was so nervous to bring this up to my husband, not wanting to cause an unnecessary rift. I even tried to avoid it, saying that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me. But like the good husband he is my man knew something was up and wouldn’t let me get away with that. We got to talking and I communicated my feeling insecure to him, so we were able to simply examine this problem rather than fighting about it.
As the conversation got going, I realized another reason that this was a risk for me, a fear really. My husband is like this wizard in my brain. I will be searching for clarity for hours and he goes into a dusty corner of my mind and turns on a light that I didn’t even know existed. It was no different here and in all honesty it was painful to hear what he had to say. Basically it was that I’m always looking for an out, a way to start fresh. And if I can link it to problems with us, then it’s easy, no one would question my starting over.
Wow. Deep shit.
And sadly true. I’m self-aware enough to realize that I’m projected my crazy onto my hubby. He is the most important person in my life and losing him would devastate me. (Thankfully he also knows I feel this way). These feelings I’ve been having don’t have anything to do with him or my desire to be “free”. They are more so rooted in my feeling that starting over equals recreating myself, something that sounds so appealing when I’m in a place like I was a few days ago. But the part that I wasn’t seeing is that I don’t have to have this big dramatic change to start that process. I can do it right now. And to do that I’ve got to work with the materials I already have.