As mentioned in many different posts, I have written a book. I’ve recently come back to working on it, which has mostly involved thinking about it, and in thinking about it today I had a major discovery about one of the main characters.
This was equally exciting and depressing. On the one hand I have a renewed energy to work on it. On the other hand this discovery is going to create an intense amount of work for me and therefore I resisted going with it. I’m going to have to rework a major chunk of this book.
For some time I have second guessed myself concerning many aspects of my writing. I know enough about myself to realize that this is a pattern of mine. It’s something I’m working on in multiple areas of my life. So when this discovery came up I spent a lot of time thinking about it, questioning it, considering throwing it by someone else. And then I found myself questioning whether I could actually do the edits, whether I was qualified to rework this.
I’m seeing over and over again that, while I have difficulty trusting myself in general, this is also common among other writers. I’ve read and heard from other writers that this fight with one’s self-conscious is one that will continue to pop up it’s ugly head throughout a career. I have to find a way to work through it or I’ll end up succumbing to my own insecurities.
In the end I came to the conclusion that I’ve got to trust my own vision. The book is mine and I’ve got to go with my gut on it. It’s scary, considering that I could spend a a ton of time working on this and end up hating all the revisions. I could also be wrong altogether. But then again it could end up breathing new life into this book. If one is a possibility then so is the other. And there is no way I’ll know unless I try.