I haven’t really felt like myself for a few weeks. Actually scratch that. A few months is more accurate. I’ve been so busy though that I just attributed this off feeling to my packed schedule. But now that my life has slowed down I’ve had to accept the reality that I’ve been a little down lately.
A big part of this day’s risk is admitting these feelings in this public forum. I’m so nervous to confess to feeling blue because I run the risk of having friends and family feel sorry for me or worry about me. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel any more dejected then I already do.
I’ve kept up a very good veneer of happiness, unconsciously convincing myself that if I didn’t openly admit these feelings then I could continue on as though they didn’t exist. I was doing a pretty good job of it too, that is until my husband saw through my thin veil of fake emotions to my true feelings underneath.
What he was able to see and what I’ve been trying to deny is how difficult it has been to change careers. I knew it was going to be hard, but something I hadn’t expected was desperately missing and needing the validity that I was freely given when I was working my job in violence prevention. I hate even thinking this, it feeling so vain, but I was regularly told how great I was at my job and had a boss and co-workers who supported me and built me up.
But writing is a very lonely pursuit. And I haven’t been very good at being my own support system lately. When you add on the lowered funds I’m bringing in, I’m left feeling pretty worthless. I don’t feel like I have anything tangible to add to my and my husband’s lifestyle and as a result I don’t feel comfortable asking for or needing anything. **I feel it pertinent to say two things regarding the above: 1. My husband completely disagrees with me. This feeling is all in my head. And 2. I understand that there are many things a person brings into a relationship and that money is not the only one. But currently, for me at least, it feels like the most important.
After my husband pulled this out of me, I broke down, sobbing on our couch and just nodding as he listed off everything he imagined I was feeling. Having switched careers himself in the last few years he had an understanding of what I must be experiencing. And man, was he on point. I don’t think the tears stopped for a good 10 minutes.
For the next few days I had up and down moments, but honestly mostly down. Finally, days later, I’m starting to feel a little better, a little more hopeful. Having always felt like a part of a community, it’s incredible difficult to suddenly find myself so alone in something. On the plus side I believe I can pull myself out of this. I’m too determined to achieve happiness that I won’t allow myself to wallow into obscurity. I refuse to fall victim to this.