Day 27 Risk was the last day of working a job that was dear to my heart. I left for a few reasons, but mainly it was to focus more closely on my writing career. My husband and I had worked it out for him to work more and for me to only working my part time job in order to commit more time to being a writer. Due to the many, many things I had going on over the course of the last 3 months, that was put on hold. I spent the summer working my butt off and have accepted any random job that came my way.
In my head, the week after the vacation was the starting point for this new path. Over the last few months I’ve turned down enough work that, with only a few exceptions, I have 2 full days a week to pursue this dream I have in earnest (My part time work is on a contractual, case by case basis). I was so excited to start this week. It’s been a long time coming.
And of course I was immediately hit with a dilemma.
I started the day by digging in to my emails. One of the first I got was the opportunity to work the morning of an already busy day, in a week where I had overbooked myself. And because of the timing on this, I wasn’t really going to make that much money on this job.
But even with all those negatives, I still struggled to not take this job. For so long we’ve depended on my income being a major part of the money that comes in to our home. And for 3 years my husband and I have had back to back obligations, both in our lives and in the lives of those close to us, that required that we get and save as much money as possible. It has created a cycle of feeling like any penny that I can earn is direly needed. And it has left me exhausted and overworked.
But this was the first day of doing things differently. And if I’m going to break this cycle and truly move forward toward my dreams, then I had to say no to this.
Before I could change my mind I responded that I wasn’t available. I hit send and cringed. I went through my day debating it in my head, feeling guilty with every dollar I spent, and second guessing my decision so much that I considered contacting the person again and saying that my morning had opened up. Finally I stopped myself, literally stopping in the street, and said out loud, “You made the choice. Trust yourself.”
Can’t anything just come easily?
I don’t know what the next period in my life holds but, as this day showed, I’m going to mentally struggle through it. There are many, many emotional barriers to this risk. My guilt is high with feeling like I need so much, my feminist side is fighting my husband pulling in income and my self-deprecation is in overdrive trying to convince me that I don’t deserve this. And I don’t even want to jump into all my emotional barriers in my writing. Those are a post unto themselves.
But if I don’t take my career seriously then no one else will. And one of the most powerful ways that I can do that is to believe that I deserve this and that I can make this work. And the only way I can do that is to trust myself.
And hey! If all goes well I’ll make millions with my first book and be bringing home the bacon in no time. Yeah. Anyone know a publisher?