I have a tendency to take on too much (in case you hadn’t noticed). I also have a tendency to try to do everything myself (in case you hadn’t noticed). So sitting on the plane headed back to Chicago and thinking about the fact that my husband’s family was coming into town two days later made me begin to create a to do list that involved not only getting back into the groove of my life but also planning for their arrival.
As you can imagine reading the past few days worth of risks, I was in a state that no one should be in. And I was taking it all out on my husband. He didn’t do much of anything but I still found a way to blame him for something. I argued with him, which of course made me feel misunderstood, which naturally made me cry. As we are taxiing and tears began to roll down my face, my husband saw through the external shell down to the real problem: my lack of trust. Thank the lord he loves me or I’d be alone in life.
I’m not sure where it comes from, but I have difficulties with trust. I’ve yet to meet someone who doesn’t in some way. But for me it seems to rear it’s head most when I’m depending on other people to get things done. I think I take everything on my shoulders because I feel like if I don’t, it won’t get done. Not healthy for my relationships, I know, but there it is.
On this day, I was feeling like I was going to have to be the one to plan events, clean the house, wash the sheets, be there when they arrived, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. After coming home from traveling, you can imagine how overwhelming that felt.
“Babe, this is my family,” my husband said. “You don’t have to do all that.”
“Well you’re working more than me. When are you going to do it all?” The look he gave me said it all. “I know! I know! But…”
“Stop it,” he chided. “You’ve got to let me take a little bit of the control. You have got to trust me.”
“I know,” I sighed, tearing up again. “I just…I know…” I cried a little more, then said, “Okay. I give up. I trust you. I’ll move forward with my week and wait for you to let me know what to do.”
I instantly felt a rush of anxiety and relief. On one hand I felt like I would still need to step in and on the other it felt so nice to clear that responsibility out of my head. But if I’m going to get through my life without having a heart attack then I’ve got to learn to give up some of that control and trust others completely and fully. If I want to live a fuller life, I’ve got to release my white-knuckle grip on my life.