Day 40 Risk: Not Quitting

As I cycle out of my former work and into a writing career, I’m finding one of my biggest struggles is not quitting. I want to quit it at least once a week.

I’ve found that my reasons vary depending on the week. This week it’s figuring out money. My hubby is starting a business in addition to me starting a writing career and as a result we are kind of in a constant mode of figuring out our funds. It’s not as though the money isn’t there, it’s more that we have to search around for it. Unlike those who have a salaried job, if we don’t work, we don’t get paid. And if we don’t look for it, we don’t make any.

Salaried positions have sounded so appealing lately. I worked one years ago and while having the steady income coming in was nice, working a job where I felt like my soul was being slowly pulled out of my body through my nose was not. But in moments like today, I forget this soul sucking and simply remember that an exact amount of mula was deposited into my account every two weeks.

The job I’m leaving is funded through grants and luckily I have a sweet boss who allowed me to set up my stipend as though it were a salary, getting a certain amount every paycheck until the stipend ran out. As we had a number of grants we were working with, I’ve basically been getting a salary for the last 2 1/2 years. While I have another job that supplements extra income, it does not guarantee me hours. So for the first time in many years, I’ll be in a position where I have no idea how much money I’m making each month. And while I’ve done it before and I’ve never fallen down (been quite successful with it at times), I’m really freaked out about it.

As a result, I find myself today wanting nothing more than a salary and cozy regular schedule.

My husband is the best person to call in these sorts of situations. He somehow has a never ending belief that everything will work out. And for him it always has. I still don’t get how he does it, but somehow money just appears. He’ll suddenly have figured out how this thing that’s been in the works can now be pieced together just in time for us to take whatever trip we were planning or pay that unexpected bill we just opened.

“I won’t let you quit,” he told me this morning. I could hear the smile in his words.

“But it would all be so much easier,” I whined.

“No it wouldn’t. I want my wife happy. This makes you happy.”

Again, he’s so cute I could puke. I swear he has faults.

I guess the risk in not quitting today, in not submitting my resume to every job that I qualify for, is to trust that it will work out, that the job I still have will hire me for jobs, that my hubby’s business will continue on the successful streak it’s been on. The risk is in the possibility that I will fail, that I could very easily end up in a job that doesn’t involve any writing past emails.

The true risk is trusting, something I will admit is not my strong suit.


2 thoughts on “Day 40 Risk: Not Quitting

  1. This is, indeed, an enormous risk. I know, because I’ve done it before, and am about to do it again, in an area that is infinitely more nebulous as far as compensation is concerned. I, too, hear the small voice that tells me to forget it all and begin hunting for the J-O-B. But, because I’ve had my soul sucked out through my nose, my ass and any other orifice you can think of, I just can’t see myself going backwards any more. God bless that husband of yours. Having someone like that around ought to take the edge off your fears. Good luck!!

    • Thanks Mark! It’s a wishy washy process: some days I’m great with it, others I just want to give up. I’m just working to make the great days more common than the give up days. Good luck to you too!

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