Okay, I know this sounds like a BS risk. But it’s actually not for someone like me.
I tend to be a very responsible person. I’m so committed to things that I will adjust my life, even going to the point of ignoring my wants and desires in order to meet a commitment that I have made. My hubby always pushes me to listen more to myself, but I struggle so hard when I’ve promised something to others.
Yesterday I was very tired. So tired that I woke up sick. I traveled from NYC back to Chi-Town on about 3 hours of sleep with a sore throat that would not quit. And truthfully I didn’t have the energy or gumption to even consider potential risks. I didn’t even have it in me to explore something internal that could be written about.
But people subscribe to this. I know people read it regularly. And a part of me feels that I now have a responsibility to someone other than myself to get this done. Now part of this is purposeful. I specifically chose a blog setting to document this journey because I know this side of myself. I’m the kind of person who does ten times better at the gym when I have a trainer. And not because they push me but rather because I don’t want to waste their time. I want to make their time with me worthwhile so I work hard and try to be friendly in order to make them happy. So making this journey public, while scary, was totally intentional because I wouldn’t do it otherwise. At least not where I currently am in life.
But yesterday was just not a day for risking. Not only was I sick but I was also still entertaining. My friend that I threw the party for was travelling back to Chicago with me. Between everything that’s been happening in the last few weeks, I had no mental energy to even consider something risky. This scares the crap out of me.
I don’t want to let people down. I’m not entirely sure if it’s a girl thing or a youngest child thing or just simply a D thing, but I want everyone to be happy all the time. And I’m constantly looking for how I am possibly upsetting someone. When I plan something or organize anything, I feel the need to make sure that the people involved don’t regret me being at the helm. I am the picture of responsibility and am in constant search of how I can be the best host possible.
And I’m starting to see that this blog is no different. I’m in search of how I can avoid disappointment. Having someone who regularly reads (which I know is a small number but still) means that I can’t miss a day. There is no taking a day to be sick or be tired. People are expecting something of me, even if it’s small and inconsequential. So maybe the real risk yesterday was to be irresponsible, to be free to let people down. Now I know that the letting down is tiny, unnoticeable to some. But even the slight possibility of disappointment is enough to send me into a tizzy, readjusting my life to accommodate.
So I didn’t write. There wasn’t time and this is the latest I’ve gone without writing on this. And while there were many points today where I thought that people were opening their email and thinking that I was slacking, I also thought about how this is my journey, not someone else’s. And maybe the risk isn’t always so tangible. Maybe it’s just allowing life to happen without stepping in and trying to grab hold. Maybe the real risk was allowing myself to just be.