Risk Day 24: Succomb to the Grump Monster

I woke up this morning all shades of grumpy. Maybe it was the constant stream of water being poured on the city. Maybe it was residual feelings from last night. Maybe I just didn’t get enough sleep. Who knows.  Anyway you slice it though, the Grump Monster was in full effect.

Normally I fight these feelings. I mean who wants to feel that way? But, since grumpiness and funks tend to be pretty overbearing buttheads, they usually beat me out, leaving me feeling frustrated at my lack of being able to combat them. I also have a tendency to spiral in my feelings. So allowing myself to dwell in them is scary since I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop them from going too far.

I tried the same fight today, attempting deep breathing and thinking happy thoughts. My general crap mood though was not having it. Everytime I would think, “Okay things are not too bad”, the little gremlin inside my head would squeal, “Hahaha!! That’s hilarious. Keep trying loser.”

My ever wise husband caught on to this internal battle and gave me some advice: Stop fighting it. Instead of trying to change it, just accept it and allow today to be craptastic. I pondered that one for awhile, considering the possible outcomes. And I realized that I never allow myself to just be. I’m always attempting to gain the upper hand, get control of the situation and sometimes I’ve just got to indulge my inner gremlin. He’s not going anywhere, the sneaky thing, so I might as well not give him the fight he wants.

At first I didn’t really feel any different. Actually, that’s a lie. I felt a little relief. Not having to solve my problem or force happiness on myself was kind of nice. As the day wore on, I noticed that I was relaxing and, by the end of the day, was open to having a conversation about a possibly stressful thing, something I would have gripped and sneered at earlier.

I’m really hard on myself. I think I should be able to do things that sometimes I just can’t do. Maybe it’s a weakness. Or maybe I just view it as a weakness. When you break it down though, the truth is it’s not a weakness. It’s human nature to have bad days and not always have an answer. Now if only I could get my brain to believe that…

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