I’m a pretty outgoing person. I have no real issue talking. A lot. But I do find a kink in this trait when I show up at an event or party where I know only a few people. I’ve been trying to figure this out lately, as in all other situations I’m usually more of a loud mouth.
Growing up in the south has provided me with some amazing appreciations in life. It’s also given me some complexes. And I must say this is one of them. I always felt out of place during my childhood. I didn’t realize how much so until I got myself to a city. But the truth was, and still is, that I am not made for southern living. I’m a bit too loud, definitely too boisterous and way to rough around the edges for the the south. In the southern hospitality tradition of passive aggression, I was subtly schooled to quiet down, change my outfit, blend in. In essence, be someone else.
Now I’ve learned over my years of being in a city that my impulses may not actually be motivated by my desires, but rather implanted ideas. But these old reservations pop up in earnest when I find myself needing to meet multiple new people. The old judgments that were imposed on me creep to the surface and I find myself clinging to the people I already know and waiting to be introduced. I know I’m not alone in this. I realize that many people probably experience this. But it really bugs me.
Today I attended the bridal shower of a close friend whose wedding I am in. I knew a couple of people there, but most of the attendees were family members. The couple glowed and received tons of cooking devices, plates and cups. It was a lovely day.
It was also super rainy and cold today, so by the time I got home all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and fall asleep watching something on Netflix. But I felt a little anxiety because I hadn’t risked all day. I hadn’t felt the urge pop up to give me the opportunity to risk. I was expressing this to my husband, completely bummed because I had got to get out of the house if I was going to have anything to write about.
“Wait,” he said. “You introduced yourself to a ton of people?”
“Yeah. So? It wasn’t a risk,” I shrugged.
“Babe. You don’t do that. That was a risk.”
I risked without meaning to!! Yeah!!!! I had taken the initiative and didn’t even see the risk in it. I met most of the people there and was only introduced a few times.
Hopefully this will continue to happen. I mean that’s the eventual goal right? Risk without realizing I’m risking?